Breaking: Oxford Students Protest Meritocracy
In a bold stand against logic, tradition, and the dictionary.
Oxford, UK – Students at the University of Oxford have launched a courageous petition this week to eliminate all university entry requirements, citing the inherent violence of academic standards. The university administration responded by barricading themselves in the Divinity School with a strong supply of Earl Grey and emotionally supportive heritage breed therapy dogs.
“It’s really hard to believe,” said second-year Philosophy and Feelings student Liora Monteverde (she/him), “but there are still places where people’s pre-existing conditions—like intelligence, work ethic, and education—are used to discriminate against them. I thought we were past this. It’s 2025.”
The petition, titled Smash the Ladder: Toward a Post-Grade Future, claims that standardized tests, grades, and personal statements are all part of a colonial epistemology that privileges people who read books. “That’s just not inclusive,” said Mx ‘Boom-Boom’ Blanton, President of the University’s Equity Society and a part-time crystal influencer. “People learn differently. Some people prefer vibes. Especially people from Ghana—I think. So why should we punish them for not liking books? Books are, like, a very white medium.”
When pressed on whether this might reduce Oxford to a kind of prestige daycare, Blanton simply replied, “Your question has oppressive energy.”
Reimagining the University as a Safe Space for All Consciousnesses
The Equity Society has proposed replacing the traditional application process with a “vibrational alignment form,” where applicants describe their aura, list the last three dreams they had, and submit a favorite leaf. “We believe everyone has an inner scholar,” said Society secretary Jax (no surname), “and if someone’s inner scholar happens to be a moss-covered stone who doesn’t speak Latin, that should be OK.”
Departments have responded with mixed enthusiasm. The Faculty of English is reportedly considering renaming itself the “Department of Unspoken Resonance,” while the Mathematics Department issued a brief statement that read: “We are not doing this.”
Several dons have expressed quiet alarm. “I was under the impression we were a university,” muttered Professor Neville Wainscott of Balliol College. “But perhaps we are in fact a participatory hallucination.”
Goodbye Exams, Hello Experiential Rituals
In line with the petition’s success, preliminary plans are underway to replace Oxford’s iconic tutorial system with a “circle of mutual emotional witnessing.” Lectures will be replaced by “vocal offerings,” and essays by “non-linear wisdom releases,” also known as interpretive dance.
Trinity Term exams are being reimagined as “trauma-informed performance rituals,” with candidates invited to express their understanding of Dante’s Inferno through charades, slam poetry, or curated playlists.
A draft regulation submitted to the University Council proposes awarding First-Class Honours to any student who can name at least two emotions and locate the moon in the sky. “The moon is a communal archive,” the proposal explains, “and students should be honoured for acknowledging it.”
Criticism is Violence
Critics—mostly people who still use the word “rigour” unironically—have expressed concern that gutting standards might prevent the most capable students from attending the most demanding institutions. Fortunately, those critics have been reported to the Bias Prevention Authority and enrolled in a six-week Reconciliation & Reiki Intensive. They will learn to avoid traumatizing words such as “best” and emerge with a healthy respect for non-traditional knowledges (and an aversion to syllogisms).
The university has reportedly commissioned a blue-ribbon panel to determine whether “merit” is a hate crime. Early findings suggest it might be, especially when written in Latin.
In an anonymous internal memo, one administrator expressed fears that the trend may erode Oxford’s global academic reputation. “But perhaps that’s a good thing,” the memo concluded, “as reputation itself is a patriarchal construct.”
A Movement Goes Global
Meanwhile, students at Harvard, Yale, and Princeton have announced solidarity with their British counterparts by launching a trans-species initiative to open Ivy League applications to goats, geese, and emotionally intelligent labradors. “A farm-animal-inclusive future is the only just future,” said one Harvard activist (zee/zim), who prefers to be known simply as “Neigh.”
At Brown University, a parallel movement has emerged calling for students to be evaluated solely on the basis of their astrological charts. “Saturn is in retrograde,” explained Maya Skye-Lopez, “so if I fail Logic, that’s actually structural violence.”
In Cambridge, a rival group of students has launched a petition entitled Standards for All: The Case for Higher Exams. However, they were immediately doxxed and asked to leave their college accommodation on charges of “incitement to elitism.”
The Future of Higher Education
At publishing time, Oxford’s Vice-Chancellor was seen quietly proofreading her application to the University of Buckingham. Meanwhile at Oxford, rumors suggest the university may soon partner with a local artist’s collective to issue degrees based on chakra alignment and fermentation skill.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has announced emergency funding to reclassify universities as “Emotional Reclamation Zones,” and UCAS is rumored to be trialing a new platform called FEELS™, where students can upload aura selfies and record a whispered message to Mother Earth.
As higher education reorients toward the post-cognitive age, one thing remains clear: the future belongs to those who dare to feel.
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